Reminiscing....

I wrote this on my trip to insanity when I was prego with my beautiful baby....

Thursday, August 16, 2007

34 1/2 weeks

Current mood: anxious Ok, Ok, So i sound like a big complainer, but im not stopping now...! Pregnancy is so restricting!! I cant wait to go back to normal and let my body drop stomach first on to the bed. And then turn over and sleep all night long on my back. Because if ya'll didn't know this, it's not good to sleep on your back. It's especially harmful when you're in your 8th month, you've gained 25-30 lbs and you're uterus and baby are pressing up against your inferior vena cava, diapraghm and every other organ not allowing oxygen to circulate and cutting off your breathing which totally wakes you up in a STATE OF PANIC!!! in the middle of the night cause you can't breathe at ALL!... like i just learned about a couple days ago.. I want to stop the sissy yoga stretching and stretch the way i normally stretch. I want to run like a moron round in circles until im completely outta breath because I choose to and not simply because my waddling around the tiny little hallways of my house seem to be enormous and make me short of breath. I want to feel my muscles ache!!! I want to go to bed exhausted because ive been up and moving all around instead because i cant get out of it. I want men to be pregnant some day those lucky BASTARDS! Bastards I say... I want this baby out. I want to start learning and adapting and loving. I'm so anxious and becoming very impatient. Motherhood! come quick!!!!! -Yikes i went crazy!!! I remember the feeling clearly but don't care to relive depression again... pregnancy is beautiful up until your hormones start bouncing off your fallopians...

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The lost one speaks...

At five, my role had been clearly defined. I was the one to make sure not to create any new issues for our, clearly , dysFUNKtional family. By this stage, many anxieties had taken over me. Being the fifth out of six children meant not much attention was paid to my developmental needs. Me and my eldest sister were ten years apart. As her interest in boys grew, my interest in eating mud pies began. There were no similarities, not much of relationship, and not much of anything between the others and I. My mother had it difficult. She had to raise us, feed us, and clothe us. Not having much interaction with my parents, hindered my social skills. How can anyone, not being able to feel comfortable at home feel comforted elsewhere?

Typical morning right before school....

As I calmly sat on my rocking chair waiting for the school bus to arrive, I'd rock myself back and forth trying to enjoy the beautiful day. As the bus rounded the corner, I'd get up and violently regurgitate the small portion of bean and egg tacos my mother had fed me for breakfast. As I cleaned myself off, making sure to wipe off any vomit on my cheeks and dress, my mother would offer to drive me to school. I denied her offer every time and set off to ride the bus in hope that social anxiety wouldn't paralyze me in fear later in the day.

I was born...

an eight pound ball of baby fat on 9/26 a long while back. Luckily, mother never had to waste too much energy carrying me around since I preferred my old ugly teddy and my comforting milk bottle. It was funny that even as a newborn I wanted my personal space. I believe, I was aware of my mother's state of mind and her inability to spend much time with me. My mother, Teresa, had plenty of things to deal with anyways, so lucky for her, I was not much of a burden.

Momma
A very petite girl, who at 14 years of age, had to forget her childhood. Instead of playing with pretty dolls in pink dresses she had to carry buckets of tomatoes and exchange them for a couple of pesos. The 90 pound teen who just happened to be the eldest female in her family started working in an attempt to help her mother provide food for her younger siblings. Early in her 20's, she married a man and had her first 3 kids which were a year apart. The oldest girls very different in character but similar in life's experiences, shared more than a mother. Their younger brother as the eldest girls did, became part of a broken home before they were able to understand the reason's behind their parents separation. The adulterous pig man would never again be able to call himself their father.


Momma...
Moved on to start a life of financial troubles without the support of a husband. Having to deal with 3 children on her own now, life was more than overwhelming for this single mother. It wasn't long before the attractive 25 year old found a willing man to fall in love with and try to form a family with all over again. Desperate for love and affection she rushed into things. Teresa, having thought that this was the man that would change her life, became pregnant with her fourth child, Gladys. Her live in boyfriend became a controlling and intimidating man always needing to be in control of every action that came from her. Unwilling to live a life of abuse, she waited for the perfect moment to pick up her things and escape with her four children. Sadly, she had repeated the life she had dreaded. Her mother, Dona Reyna, had given her a poor example of a true family and now her kids were experiencing what she experienced as a child.

Mommy's Momma...
"You leave that last piece of bolillo for your sister. Her father bought it not yours", is statement too clear in my mother's head. Bitter old woman had raised seven children and ,sadly, never developed the nurturing and affectionate skills a loving mother shows her offspring.