Reminiscing....

I wrote this on my trip to insanity when I was prego with my beautiful baby....

Thursday, August 16, 2007

34 1/2 weeks

Current mood: anxious Ok, Ok, So i sound like a big complainer, but im not stopping now...! Pregnancy is so restricting!! I cant wait to go back to normal and let my body drop stomach first on to the bed. And then turn over and sleep all night long on my back. Because if ya'll didn't know this, it's not good to sleep on your back. It's especially harmful when you're in your 8th month, you've gained 25-30 lbs and you're uterus and baby are pressing up against your inferior vena cava, diapraghm and every other organ not allowing oxygen to circulate and cutting off your breathing which totally wakes you up in a STATE OF PANIC!!! in the middle of the night cause you can't breathe at ALL!... like i just learned about a couple days ago.. I want to stop the sissy yoga stretching and stretch the way i normally stretch. I want to run like a moron round in circles until im completely outta breath because I choose to and not simply because my waddling around the tiny little hallways of my house seem to be enormous and make me short of breath. I want to feel my muscles ache!!! I want to go to bed exhausted because ive been up and moving all around instead because i cant get out of it. I want men to be pregnant some day those lucky BASTARDS! Bastards I say... I want this baby out. I want to start learning and adapting and loving. I'm so anxious and becoming very impatient. Motherhood! come quick!!!!! -Yikes i went crazy!!! I remember the feeling clearly but don't care to relive depression again... pregnancy is beautiful up until your hormones start bouncing off your fallopians...

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The lost one speaks...

At five, my role had been clearly defined. I was the one to make sure not to create any new issues for our, clearly , dysFUNKtional family. By this stage, many anxieties had taken over me. Being the fifth out of six children meant not much attention was paid to my developmental needs. Me and my eldest sister were ten years apart. As her interest in boys grew, my interest in eating mud pies began. There were no similarities, not much of relationship, and not much of anything between the others and I. My mother had it difficult. She had to raise us, feed us, and clothe us. Not having much interaction with my parents, hindered my social skills. How can anyone, not being able to feel comfortable at home feel comforted elsewhere?

Typical morning right before school....

As I calmly sat on my rocking chair waiting for the school bus to arrive, I'd rock myself back and forth trying to enjoy the beautiful day. As the bus rounded the corner, I'd get up and violently regurgitate the small portion of bean and egg tacos my mother had fed me for breakfast. As I cleaned myself off, making sure to wipe off any vomit on my cheeks and dress, my mother would offer to drive me to school. I denied her offer every time and set off to ride the bus in hope that social anxiety wouldn't paralyze me in fear later in the day.