Friday, October 9, 2009

New Job...

Started my first "professional job" as a Family Service Coordinator earlier this week.

First day.....

I was so overwhelmed with the amount of new information that was shoved into my ears and by all the information I tried to swallow with my eyes.

Second day....

Lil' better... went on some home visits and understood the importance of my role as s FSC....

Third day....
Things are making sense, but the amount of paperwork is still overwhelming. Can't wait for Monday...

Overall, my days as caretaker are over. Its sooo sad to see my role as a full time mommy come to and end, but I love the idea of my role as a working woman expand.

I miss my child throughout the day, but I am aware of how much boredom he undergoes as he stays at home with me.

The hardest decision for me as a mother has been. TO WORK or NOT TO WORK? That is the issue.

I remember my child at stage Newbie... I cried as the thought of me having to leave him SOME DAY approached.

Six Months...
I finally brought myself to depart from his side for 24 hours throughout the weekend. I trusted no one so this gave me a perfect chance to leave him with my husband as I took a break from my child and provided care for 4 elderly men.

11months-15 months
Ideally, I had wanted to leave him at a day care for short amounts of time at a time. This happened perfectly! I would leave him at a daycare for half a day on Fridays...

I was able to leave him at a daycare for 20 hrs a week as I did my internship at a school across the street.

He's been at a daycare full time for about a month. The transition was a difficult one. My husband volunteered to drop him off the first 2 weeks of his child care days. He is still dropping him off at daycare, but I have become used to it and I no longer cry about it.

Monday, October 5, 2009

My irregular beat....

I can't say I'm just like the person. Thank Goodness I'm NOT!

I am my own with distinguish characteristics, peculiar flaws, and interesting skills.

I don't march to the same beat most girls do, I refuse to!

My thinking is a little off at times, my worries are not yours...

My sense of humor is way off though, what wanders in my head I simply cannot control.

My beat is very irregular...pum.pum.pum.....pupupupum..pumpum.pum.pum.
I'm on Metropolol for that that, 25 mg daily.

It defines the rest of my life ,too. My life is more than ordinary. My love life is different, my story is unique, my experiences are unexpected, my thoughts many, but my words are not.

I've encountered many obstacles, challenges and heartaches. Along the way, I've come across beautiful caring people. God has his hand over me and keeps my irregular beat beating.

There must be a reason.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Knowing MR..M.R.

I seem to gravitate towards the people with needs. Needs of all kinds seem to interest me. I love finding those sad stories that end up become inspirational.

I've been placed in a world, it seems like, of people with special needs. When I try to escape it, I keep being placed right into it. It's prolly the field I will pursue and hopefully I find a career I LOVE!

The people I've met have made me smile, cry, wanna throw 'em out the window (of course I never have), made me realize how beautiful life is and in many times surprised me.

Their lives are so humble, so pure, so honest and different than "normal" people and in no way does perversion or malice taint their thoughts.

They are pitied by most, but most don't know how precious a person with needs really is.

I wonder if God expects them to commit themselves to Christ? In their childlike ways, they are pure and precious. In our human eyes, they are mongoloids with deprived lives.

I remember a MR. Leo. In his old age, he had been diagnosed with more illnesses than I can count and his most evident diagnosis was being mentally retarded. As we saw the special olympics, and a thirty year old paraplegic sped on his wheelchair towards the finish line, he stated, " Oh, poor man.... look at him, his legs are no good."
My heart smiled.

Mr. Leo, was not aware of his own disability. The fact, that he himself was able to point out another man's disability and was ignorant to his had never crossed my mind. I hugged Leo that day. Leo, not Mr. M.R. , but lonely Leo in need of a hug seemed to not understand his own situation but wanted to live life as joyfully as he could.

I realized then, how their innocence penetrates their every thought. Being part of the "normal"
crowd, I am aware of the comments, the thoughts, and criticism they undergo for being special.

They, on the other hand, have no idea on how SPECIAL they really are.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

spiritual attack?

What a week! I bet we've all been through a week of *ell? No, not gel!

You might have read my car crash post.. Oh, you havent? Well what ya waiting for?!

Car crash .... A thursday morning right before work. All weekend long, I was in pain. Duh, I was in a car crash. Of course, having had my luck and ,I truly really believe, the devil being the sneaky wicked punk he is, the driver in the horrid suburban had no insurance and three kids to feed . Blah Blah Blah, I'm screwed and my truck is a mess.

So then comes, Monday morning and as I puke my gut outs with the green vile that surrounds my icky intestines, I dispose of my liquidy bodily wastes through my other antomical opening. I know, I know, COMPLETE YUCKNESS!

-BUT i got the call!! "What call?" you ask. The "We are extending an invitation to work with our company invitation"!!!!

... Because the evil DEVIL( so cleverly named) has been notified that God would bring on a great blessing to me, he attacked. Oh, he is pissed off now!

So then comes the bills, and we are overdrawn about 200.00 in the bank and now I have a jeep to fix because a Case Manager requires a working vehicle so he continues to pile up extra junk on us.

I have rededicated, my life to God and have taken a decision to make it known to the public by a water baptizism and the Devil is fuming ( pun intended) with anger.

All morning long, mean texts have been traded back and forth from my hubby and I. ----This adds to the stress of it all.

As I come closer God, obstacles meaning hardships with my finances ,struggles with my marriage mostly in part because of the finances, and then of course having a broken vehicle,

sidenote.(WOW!, as I explain my issues I understand they are all finacially related and this new job will be a great way of getting it under control..) HAHAHA, stupid devil you lose!

the mean devil is shaking in his underpants( they'd prolly melt, so he might not wear any).


Saturday, September 19, 2009

My Poetic Soul...

About a decade ago I wrote:

French fries can be unhealthy too
Tempting, salty, and tasty true
Let go of them all
You don't want to fall
Flat on your face
Fries leading the trace
To your sudden death
The ending of your breath
Your heart has shut down
Your going 6 feet under ground
You are to blame
We know it by the ketchup stain
You gluttonous fool
You couldn't control your drool
For your love of french fries!

LOL....i crack me up... I promise I will share more of my teenage poetry... i love this stuff!


Norma (the oldest)
The family's hero always kept it together in times of hardship. Her strong, courageous and ,at times, tough facade are the characteristic that defines her clearly. Norma is the family's older sister and well known for her tough and strict demands.
Sandra( second oldest)
Sandra, always, seeking to get away from it all. Her humorous attitude and her goal oriented ways kept her distant from the quarrelsome place we all knew as home. Always had a great relationship with Norma. Of course, they shared not just the same parents and went through the same heart aches. They shared a bedroom where secrets were shared,emotions were understood, and feelings were addressed and all behind closed doors .
Alex(third child)
The angry one of the bunch. Like most boys that grow up without a father, he showed much rebellion and resentment towards most his life. Issues arose early in his teenage years and those same issues darken his spirit today.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Nosy Ms. Ugly Face


I dislike confrontation ,but not because I can't win an argument. I hate reaching the point of, " OH NO YOU DIDN'T!"

I started working two weeks ago. (Praise the Lord!) i needed a job. I seemed to get pushed right back to the area I try leaving. I work in a self contained mental retardation unit as a teacher assistant. My degree is in Rehab. Services and my work experience involves working with people with special needs. (Yeah, yeah , I know.... why am I an assistant when I have the degree? whatever not the point!)

Today, I got reprimanded because of a certain rumor flying around.------ I sit around doing nothing------.. (OH NO THEY DIDNT!)

All day long, I am up and down helping the kids with their toileting needs, brushing their teeth, helping them with their work and this one stupid day when I wear heels to school(stupidly, i misplaced my flats) nosy Ms. Ugly Face is spying around and sees me taking a break in P.E. class. She, instantly, decides to label me the impotent T.A and blabs it to the others. As the week progresses, indirect comments are made by my other co-workers about my work. I am not stupid! I know not to use the phone during working hours or leave the the children unattended.

Anyways, I've been told working in a school environment and its drama is no better than High School and all its drama... I AGREE!

Evil penises of death


I can't say my marriage is perfect...Ok, let me say...MY MARRIAGE IS NOT PERFECT! We learn as we go. Some days are great ,others good, others bad and yet others terrible.

Today I had one of those ugly arguments with my husband. Its the type of arguments that slice your heart in two with every word said. You know the argument will be over within a day or two, but as you listen to the spiteful words coming out of your spouse's mouth, you can't help but to break a little more inside.

That was my experience. I yelled, I cried, I tried forgetting, but its too fresh in mind to forget those words said.

Why are men such morons when arguing? Do you really have to talk out of your ass to try to win an argument?

I end this blog by stating .... the male species and their evil penises of death should move far away from this beautiful planet called Earth...,

Planet of apes....thats where they belong!

over the hill?


O goodness.... tomorrow is the 13 and I have 13 days to go before turning ONE YEAR OLDER..
the scary 28

I have a sense of gladness. This year was so much better than the year before. I am alive well and kicking. At times, I punch too. I will be turning 28, oddly enough, I've never loved myself more. I know its close to thirty and all the excess poundage should start building up, and the wrinkles are soon to show up and blah blah blah blah blah....
But I could give a rat's tushy about all that.

I'm beautiful because I am a WOMAN, I am a MOTHER, I am a WIFE and I belong to GOD.

I've had horrible years, let me make it clear, dealt with postpartum, I thought I was a gonner for several reasons, and didn't see an end to our financial yuckness. Life was overwhelming, but I truly believe my 28th is a start of an amazing life that I will be starting, along with my family of course. Living life at 28 will certainly make my life great..(OK i had to include a dorky rhyme)

Also, the days of "IM FAT , UGLY, & STUPID" are OVA' sista!(Snap, snap)

So, I'm nowhere near over the hill, I'm still climbing up ,and I'm not even winded..

Car crash...

Oh goodness just my luck....

Thursday 9/17/09 around 7:45ish.....

As I engaged in a morning conversation with my Saviour, the pretty red truck in front slammed on his breaks. I ,with my extra awesome quick reflexes, slammed on them too and manage to come to a complete halt without rear ending her. I was looking at the brown furry mutt run across the street when I looked up making sure I was out of harms way. Unfortunately, I was not and the white ugly looking suburban rammed into my jeep from behind!

Praise the Lord, I am fine and so is he.

I'm baffled at how in the 3 years of paying my insurance on a monthly and timely manner all is well and the one month when things seem to be financially overwhelming and I am unable to pay my insurance in time, YUCKNESS happens. My jeep looks awful, driveable but awful. I feel terrible, look beautiful, but my neck has malfunctioned. The one responsible is broker than I am and I need a CAAAR!

Life is odd, the devil is sneaky, but God rules all!

Monday, September 14, 2009


I wrote this on my trip to insanity when I was prego with my beautiful baby....

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Current mood: anxious

Ok, Ok,

So i sound like a big complainer, but im not stopping now...!

Pregnancy is so restricting!! I cant wait to go back to normal and let my body drop stomach first on to the bed. And then turn over and sleep all night long on my back. Because if ya'll didn't know this, it's not good to sleep on your back. It's especially harmful when you're in your 8th month, you've gained 25-30 lbs and you're uterus and baby are pressing up against your inferior vena cava, diapraghm and every other organ not allowing oxygen to circulate and cutting off your breathing which totally wakes you up in a STATE OF PANIC!!! in the middle of the night cause you can't breathe at ALL!... like i just learned about a couple days ago..

I want to stop the sissy yoga stretching and stretch the way i normally stretch. I want to run like a moron round in circles until im completely outta breath because I choose to and not simply because my waddling around the tiny little hallways of my house seem to be enormous and make me short of breath.

I want to feel my muscles ache!!!

I want to go to bed exhausted because ive been up and moving all around instead because i cant get out of it.

I want men to be pregnant some day those lucky BASTARDS! Bastards I say...

I want this baby out. I want to start learning and adapting and loving.

I'm so anxious and becoming very impatient.

Motherhood! come quick!!!!!

-Yikes i went crazy!!! I remember the feeling clearly but don't care to relive depression again... pregnancy is beautiful up until your hormones start bouncing off your fallopians...


Sunday, September 13, 2009

The lost one speaks...

At five, my role had been clearly defined. I was the one to make sure not to create any new issues for our, clearly , dysFUNKtional family. By this stage, many anxieties had taken over me. Being the fifth out of six children meant not much attention was paid to my developmental needs. Me and my eldest sister were ten years apart. As her interest in boys grew, my interest in eating mud pies began. There were no similarities, not much of relationship, and not much of anything between the others and I. My mother had it difficult. She had to raise us, feed us, and clothe us. Not having much interaction with my parents, hindered my social skills. How can anyone, not being able to feel comfortable at home feel comforted elsewhere?

Typical morning right before school....

As I calmly sat on my rocking chair waiting for the school bus to arrive, I'd rock myself back and forth trying to enjoy the beautiful day. As the bus rounded the corner, I'd get up and violently regurgitate the small portion of bean and egg tacos my mother had fed me for breakfast. As I cleaned myself off, making sure to wipe off any vomit on my cheeks and dress, my mother would offer to drive me to school. I denied her offer every time and set off to ride the bus in hope that social anxiety wouldn't paralyze me in fear later in the day.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I was born...

an eight pound ball of baby fat on 9/26 a long while back. Luckily, mother never had to waste too much energy carrying me around since I preferred my old ugly teddy and my comforting milk bottle. It was funny that even as a newborn I wanted my personal space. I believe, I was aware of my mother's state of mind and her inability to spend much time with me. My mother, Teresa, had plenty of things to deal with anyways, so lucky for her, I was not much of a burden.

A very petite girl, who at 14 years of age, had to forget her childhood. Instead of playing with pretty dolls in pink dresses she had to carry buckets of tomatoes and exchange them for a couple of pesos. The 90 pound teen who just happened to be the eldest female in her family started working in an attempt to help her mother provide food for her younger siblings. Early in her 20's, she married a man and had her first 3 kids which were a year apart. The oldest girls very different in character but similar in life's experiences, shared more than a mother. Their younger brother as the eldest girls did, became part of a broken home before they were able to understand the reason's behind their parents separation. The adulterous pig man would never again be able to call himself their father.

Moved on to start a life of financial troubles without the support of a husband. Having to deal with 3 children on her own now, life was more than overwhelming for this single mother. It wasn't long before the attractive 25 year old found a willing man to fall in love with and try to form a family with all over again. Desperate for love and affection she rushed into things. Teresa, having thought that this was the man that would change her life, became pregnant with her fourth child, Gladys. Her live in boyfriend became a controlling and intimidating man always needing to be in control of every action that came from her. Unwilling to live a life of abuse, she waited for the perfect moment to pick up her things and escape with her four children. Sadly, she had repeated the life she had dreaded. Her mother, Dona Reyna, had given her a poor example of a true family and now her kids were experiencing what she experienced as a child.

Mommy's Momma...
"You leave that last piece of bolillo for your sister. Her father bought it not yours", is statement too clear in my mother's head. Bitter old woman had raised seven children and ,sadly, never developed the nurturing and affectionate skills a loving mother shows her offspring.